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Moments

Small white globes glow on our porch roof illuminating the darkness of the night. They look steady, happy and comforting. I look around our living room and kitchen and I see chaos. I see floors that need to be swept, clutter, disorder and attempts to create a cozy living environment. I see toys, a port-a-crib, a high chair, blankets on the floor for tummy time, a diaper bag and all the evidence of a little two foot tall dweller amongst us. You are just beginning to army crawl, on the brink of becoming mobile. I try to imagine what that moment will feel like for you when you discover the freedom of mobility – that you can move when you want to and get where you want to without our help. You are beginning the stages of becoming your own individual person. You have been so dependent on us for everything, rightfully and lovingly so. I can hardly believe that we are about to witness our first true separation from dependence. Of course, this is a small step in that direction but it is a step nonetheless. It represents something greater. It represents that time is passing and you are growing up. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around this- I don’t really want to accept it yet. I feel as if time wound itself up like a swing when you spin and twist around and then suddenly let go and twirl out of control faster than you can handle. You are 7 months. I am so excited for what is to come and yet I long for the moments past that have been too quick for me to hold onto. I fervently wish and hope that these moments are in fact tucked away in my mind, never to be lost, just seemingly elusive to me now. I wish I could reach out and grasp moments from your birth, your first few days, your first weeks and months – I wish I could reach out and hold them like little twinkling stars in my palm and cherish them without any loss of detail or memory for all time. I wish I could pick one and feel the sensations, the love, the laughter, the smiles, the amazement, the contentment of the moment and then pocket it back safely amongst the others.

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Her Story

I am new to this, entirely new. This will mostly be me meandering around my mind as a new mama. I hope to develop this into more than that, but at the moment, that’s all I am –  a new mom. Bear with me as I post heartfelt words and expressions but I need to lure these thoughts and feelings out my mind, out of my being so I can recognize them and say, “oh hey, nice to see you. Glad you are not still jumbled in my brain.” I know this writing will aid me in unwinding myself from a labyrinth I have been working on for not only most of my adult life but especially as a mom. This is really for me and I have this strange idea that posting it to the internet and to other people will somehow help. We’ll see. For now, this is an experiment and if nothing else, a way to force myself to write again. I am probably more curious than you are at where this will take me, but I am excited for the new journey. I don’t like to put myself out there, so this is a big step. Ready or not, here we go. This is herstory.

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